


Now He's Gone...

by in_love_with_humanity



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:49:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27668447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/in_love_with_humanity/pseuds/in_love_with_humanity
Summary: hello! this is my first work here. can't believe i'm starting off with angst. this is a lil something i wrote after 15x18 while being depressed but i tried to add a little hope to it at the end.i hope you enjoy :))
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 3
Kudos: 4





	Now He's Gone...

Dean had finally sat up. After being thrown down by his best friend, the love of his life and watching him die right in front of him, he just laid there for what felt like hours. Just staring at the space where Cas had stood minutes ago.

He threw his phone away when Sammy had tried calling him. He didn't care. He didn't give a rat's ass about his brother. He didn't give a rat's ass about the whole world right now. Because his world was gone. Sucked away into nothing. He couldn't even bring himself to worry about Chuck right now. Cas...had told him he loved him. He should've said it back. He should've said _something_. But now it's too late. Cas was gone. He thought back to all the times he looked at the angel with nothing but admiration in his eyes.

All those times he might've missed when Cas woulda had the same look in his blue eyes. Cas loved him just like he loved Cas. But Dean couldn't believe it. He didn't deserve the angel's love. The mistakes he had made. The pain. The anger. He sobs into his own hands. He shouldn't have spent so much time angry at Cas. Not when he could've spent it loving him. He remembers the red fury he felt after Mary's death. He remembers the sadness. He remembers just wanting to blame someone when it was all _his_ fault. After Rowena, he just cracked. He finally lost it. So he directed it at the one person who was there. Cas. Cas didn't deserve the anger. The hate. But he got it anyways.

Dean didn't deserve the love of his angel. He wanted it. But never deserved it. Keeping Cas at an arm's length worked best. Even though he was the only one who could talk to him besides Sam. Dean had made the decision a long time ago. Love only caused him more suffering. Everyone who loved him would leave him. So he'd decided to never love. _This way no one would leave me,_ he'd thought. When Cas had saved him from hell...he wished he hadn't. Dean deserved nothing but the pain. Dean didn't deserve saving. Especially by the blue eyed angel…But he'd been saved. And it had rung all through the angel radio.

Dean thought back to Chuck's words to Cas less than a day ago. "Every other version of you did what you were told." This Cas was the _only_ one who rebelled. This Cas was the only _one_ who had saved Dean. Again and again and again. _His_ Cas. He remembers every other angel’s words about him and Cas.

_“When Castiel first laid a hand on you in hell, he was lost!”_

_“He likes you.”_

_“He’s in love with humanity.”_

Dean thought back to all the times he nearly lost Cas and all those others when he _actually_ did. He thought back to just a few months ago in Purgatory. His prayer. Right in that moment, Dean was ready to tell Cas that he loved him. He was going to. But Cas cut him off. His mind reels back to when Jack was born, a little over three years ago now. When Cas was gone. He remembers not feeling but just being. He’d wished he hadn’t existed then. And he feels the same now.

He wants to scream at himself. The entire world is out there. _Chuck_ is still out there. But Dean is here. Physically in the storage room of The Bunker but stuck in his own damn mind. But now he also doesn’t care about the whole world. Why should he, when he lost his?

His mind still cannot wrap around the fact that Cas loves him. Cas. His Castiel. Loves _him_. Dean had pictured them saying that to each other a million different ways by now. But never this. Cas told him his deepest secret and Dean just stood there because he couldn’t wrap his mind around anything at that point. Cas told Dean his deepest truth and Dean couldn’t reciprocate it. Not before Cas was gone. Castiel’s words still echo around his mind.

_“Ever since we met… Ever since I pulled you out of Hell...knowing you has changed me.”_

Dean can’t flash out the blue eyes crying, tears streaking down his face like never before.

_“I cared about the whole world because of you. You changed me, Dean.” _

Dean had told Cas to shut his trap by a thousand times in his head now. Hell, even kissed him to get him to shut up. Because Cas saying all of this meant he would leave Dean. Dean couldn’t take that. Everybody who loved him left him. That couldn’t be Cas. Cas couldn’t leave Dean, all alone. Dean was selfish like that.

Dean was a selfish lover like that. And he was going to get his angel back. No matter what it took. No matter if Chuck was still standing at the end of it. He was going to get his Castiel back. And was going to tell him how much he loves him.

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you liked it and mayhaps i relate a lil too much to deano


End file.
